Heading Nowhere...

Yet another week in the sequel of nothing-goes-my-way run. Draining me out, completely and emotionally! Chiseling me into shambles and smithereens, making me look more like an utter crap ( wasn't I already am?). With lots to regret and nothing to forget, I have no options but to continue taking whatever comes. Life has never thrown options towards me, leaving only with compromises and no better replacements. Or is it just that everything is messed up in my head or myself being a messed up creature altogether?! Questions storm within me which could very well be answered only by me. (Not that I wanna show off that nobody understands my feelings and nobody has the answers to my questions and all that crap!) Few, I repeat, only few have been extremely supportive at every moment, be it Good or Bad. A source of respite for me, when I look low to their eyes. This post has just popped out during one such low and Bad phase of mine, considering that Good times don't remain forever and always, being very obvious.

I have noticed this right since my childhood. Being gifted with everything best around, and cursed of being unable to relish it and posses it at any time later. Things which seemed reasonable to be desired by me weren't meant to be mine when I needed the most. The real world around doesn't interest me anymore. Now that is not surprising. Because the real world has never aroused my spirit. But I had this innate ability to create an internal world within myself and be safely tucked in there. Yeah, I HAD that ability. That amazing ability to disconnect myself from te real world and connect with an inner world has been taken away. Now I grope for thoughts to fill my empty moments, but in vain. People whom I loved in real remained the same in my virtual life. All I could imagine was the better version of what I was. But later, it wasn't meant to be too. Regrets enough! All I can do is, post this meaningless bullshit which keeps accumulating my empty space on the top, just for the heck of it! Maybe, its time I move on... For the sake of filling up empty moments, and for the sake of feeling alive in life.... Once again.....

Everything around me is just so fine,
But nothing really seems to be mine....

On the lighter side, let me leave you with a couple of Thalaivar Rajnikanth's dialogs which are promising truths.... ;-)

1. "Kedaikaradhu kedaikaama irukkadhu... Kedaikkama irukaradhu kedaikadhu....!" [You get only what you deserve] :)

2. "Nallavana aandavan sodhippan, aana kai vida maatan... Kettavanukku aandavan ellathayum tharuvan, aana kai vittuduvan....!" [The Good is always tested, but never let down by God. Whereas the Bad gets gifted with everything, but will be hopeless someday] :D

So, naan nallavanaa illa kettavanaa?! :P

P.S: Don't try finding coherence with the lines I scribbled in this state.

Cheers to Life...!!! (Though it has nothing to offer me.)

See ya!

Welcome Junior !

WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT.

Two years ago, some day in September....

I was seated in the 5th row of the bus from the last, the Sun in the west scorching through the heated window as i was sitting near it. I closed it and tried to have a nap as we were returning home back from college. Sumanth was sitting to the left of me. Had a small conversation with him regarding ragging which our immediate seniors "The 2nd years" had told us that it may happen that day, though they don't involve much in it. It was a Saturday and we were quite sure that the Seniors were in for some fun with us for the weekend.

Call that guy in the middle... a voice from the last row uttered it quite slowly considering the staffs occupying the front seats!

Anjan, the 2nd year faithfully did what his senior asked him to. Sumanth was to begin the show. He was asked to stand in the stairs of the closed back door so that none of the staffs really got a view of whats going behind in that staircase since it was obviously a low floor. The other seniors told us not to turn back to see whats happening there. Kept concentrating with my extended hear-power to have an idea whats gonna be done.

Sing us a song....

Sumanth started with a charm...

Yeah,
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!

He did it in a flourish. Lose Yourself for you. There was a dumb silence behind. The were six senior bozos listening this among which none of them would've understood a word.

We don't get your song. Get us the Tamil version of this in a paper and sing it again in Tamil.... The guy with the glasses sent Sumanth back to his place.

Is that all??? I asked him.

Guess so..... Sumanth was a relieved man, and his face showed it well. It was a piece of cake with enough icing for him.

Now the guy near the window.... Came a voice once again from the back. It was me, I knew!

I went back and stood in the stairs with a serious look. There were 6 of them who looked nothing less than morons. A hairy one, a fat monster, a specs wearing specimen, a professional looking prankster (He became my friend later!), And a couple of black lizards. The fun was about to begin. Not really funny though....

Now who asked you to stand in the stairs? The hairy one near the door began.

I climbed up and stood on the floor.

Did we ask you to come up now? Go there and stand... Retorted the guy with the glasses.

I went down once again . This should possibly be the last time I am doing this. And I mean it.

Now why are you blocking the air which is coming in through the door? Move up. - the hairy one now. A bird's nest would look more neat compared to his hairstyle.

Now you both decide among yourselves and tell me where should I stand !!! I hit back, though managing to grin.

Look, you need not order us what to do. Do what we say !

He was bound to get the worst out of me. I held the door with my right hand and started staring out...

Now look here and don't lean over anything. Stand straight.

I was still staring out without giving a heed to what they ordered me to do.

Hey ?!!!

Yeah, tell me.

Sing us a song, or put up a dance now.

I don't know both !

Then what else can you do? Don't you possess any talent ?!

No.

That's okay. You try singing now.

I can't sing, I told you.- Is there any necessity that I should expose my talents to these shims?! I better not.

Now do something for us and leave the place.

I don't know anything.

So are you gonna stay here doing nothing? The hairy one gave a fierce look.

I stared him back and didn't reply a word. I knew the ball was in my court. Considering the strictness my college maintains on these issues, anything which is gonna happen big and beyond is gonna affect only them and not me as a junior. I'm gonna play....

Now why is your face this serious? Be normal.

I kept staring out without noticing him. I felt blood boiling inside me for the first time.

Alright lets switch over to something interesting. Have you watched Porn movies? - Began another.

Its better to say YES rather than a NO to get bullied by these arse-holes! My inner voice said.

Yes !!!

Oh that's good then. So now you are gonna enact to us what "really" happens in those movies.

Meaning?!

Do we need to explain?

I can't act what you asked for.

Then narrate us whatever you saw in it.... Every time I refused to do something, these guys came down from their level of ragging! lol!

Haven't you guys watched porn movies before in your lives???!

No son, we haven't watched any...! Chuckled the bloke with the glasses.

Then I don't think I should be explaining it to Kids !!! I slapped them back to see those faces get pissed off for the first time.

I knew I was dominating. Indeed I was, taking advantage of my position as a so called "Junior" to pee on the faces of those 6 bastards. They can't lay their hands on me either. And I wouldn't be the same if anything is gonna happen to me. Anything and everything is just gonna be against them, and I was well prepared for whatever is gonna happen.

Do you think that you are talking too smart?

I never told like that. Did I ?!

Look, we are your seniors and you need to do what we say.....

Oh really ?!!

One should've seen Mr.Glasses' face that moment. He was totally bemused! I loved it. I felt that I was going a little bit out-of-control against them. Felt heroism for the first time in life surrounded by 6 men and unable to move a muscle against me. I was elated!

This is it. You needn't do anything for us now. Get something for each one for us tomorrow when you come.

What do you guys want?

I need a Condom! Hairy came forward eagerly to list what he wants.

Hmmm...

I need a Jockey. Free size. Glasses was the next.

Okay.

Get me a Maaza, 2 litres bottle and a Chocolate cake cut into 16 equal pieces. The fat monster ordered his part with a glee.

Hmmm....

Get us Porn DVDs from Burma Bazaar. We watch only celebrities stuff! Those remaining black lizards jumped in.

Alright....!

So when are you gonna get us all these?

I never told that I'm gonna buy all these for you. Did I ???

This idiot is making us beg him ! Frustrated Hairy lost his patience completely by now...

What's your Dad? Where are you from?!

I'm from Korattur. My Dad works in the Police Department. He is the P.A to the Director General Of Police !!!

Leave him away... - Whispered the Monster to Hairy. It was Game ME.

Salute us and say "Good Evening" to each one of us and leave now.... Hairy gave a last try.

I can't.

Hey leave him now, move.... Go to your place. The remaining ones shoo-ed me away.

It was a 40 minute show overall, where all I had to do was stand idle staring out and trying to remember that I was being ragged by few useless dumkophs once in a while.

Moral - Its Advantage YOU, if you have landed up in a strict college as a Junior !

Fate that you must listen to this piece of advice! :P

Tagged !!!

I got tagged too, so I decide to write few things about me. (Err... Just one another lame excuse for not being able to "think" much to write during the holidays!)

So here we go...

Ten things I wish I could say to the people whom I love...

1. I've always cared for you nevertheless of whatever I do.
2. Without you, life wouldn't have been so interesting.
3. You are the best thing I can ever get.
4. I miss you a lot. More than I can ever express.
5. I wish I knew you better.
6. I wish you reciprocate something back, of what I give you.
7. I completely understand whenever you say you are busy. I just pretend otherwise.
8. Please don't ignore me. Losing you is my biggest fear.
9. You made me feel special. Thank you!
10. Love you lots!!! Though I never say it out.



Nine things about myself...

1. I have a good heart as you know it well. And I can boast about it till I fall.
2. Trains are in my blood. Anyone here?
3. I’m an absolute absent minded freak.
4. I hate to show attitude on my loved ones. I'm kind enough to forgive people.
5. "Thanks" and "Sorry" are the words which I use the most. They don't cost a penny.
6. Daydreaming??? Oh yeah!!!
7. I save money. That doesn't mean I'm stingy.
8. I don't trust anyone easily. But you can trust me. Infact most of them does.
9. I hate to say "Goodbye". Well what's the "Good" in it?



Eight ways to win my heart...

1. Be modest and honest. Tell me the truth, even if it hurts.
2. When you are with me, try to be with me.
3. I hate being ignored, I say this a thousand times and that's what the above one means too.
4. Make me laugh and laugh with me. I'm sure I can make you happy.
5. Have deep conversations with me. You can very well share your secrets.
6. Let me be a part of both your happiness and sorrow.
7. Don't boast too much about yourself before me. I'll be laughing inside.
8. And most importantly, your looks never ever matter to me.



Seven things that cross my mind a lot...

1. Future?!!
2. What power are my favorite trains gonna get today?
3. Let me put up a chat with him/her now.
4. Yeah, my parents are watching me... Sniff!
5. Why am I being ignored by a few?!
6. Is this life really worth living it?
7. How am I gonna fare this semester?! Just for the heck of it.



Six things I wish I never did...

1. I shouldn't have taken up Engineering... Sick!!!
2. I shouldn't have met few, till now and forever.
3. I shouldn't have allowed those few to boss over me.
4. I shouldn't have experimented much with myself.
5. I shouldn't have trusted few too much.
6. I shouldn't be regretting like this now!!!




Five turn off's...

1. Ignorance.
2. Advise... Goddamn I can organise myself more than what you think!
3. Bossing over me.
4. Lack of freedom.
5. Curd... Yuck!!!





Four turn on's...

1. Making friendship... I'm ready!
2. You like me? I don't need anything else...
3. Are you happy? I would always love to see it!
4. Rail-fanning... Yes sir!







Three things I want to do before I die...

1. Make my Parents, Buddies and my Partner feel that they wouldn't have got a better one than me.
2. Charity from the money I earn.
3. Die before my loved ones die...





Two smileys that describe me...

;-)
:-O







One confession...

I shall never change myself for anyone... Because I'm already being liked for what I am. (I think and hope so.....!!!)






CHEERS TO LIFE !!! :)

I Do Scribble Some Poetry....!!!

We started together somewhere someday
Taking a path supposed to be the destiny's way,
Some ditched me and held me at bay
While most called it a league and had just raced away,

I know I'm heading nowhere
Searching for people who would really care,
I never knew anything before
That I'll live this moment just to allure,

As I tread along the path of life
Future shows me the signs of strife,
The past was as green as the meadows
I look for a place to rest under the shadows,

I don't wanna move further
I can't stay here either,
Future looks bleak till the horizon
While even the next second in life remains unknown,

I look around for people
Who are no more visible,
They've raced ahead of me so wild
Perhaps they were destiny's child?!

I stand still, taking a turn
Looking the way I had come,
This path was well known to me
I go back once again absolutely care-free,

Unable to stand now
Having come a long way in this path,
With nobody here to accompany me
I sit in a bench beneath a withering tree,

Memories have been the only thing which I carry
While others are working towards their glory,
As I nestle myself in this bench
I'm lost among a sea of memories,

I knew this wasn't gonna help me anyway
Yet you can't keep running life in an expressway,
Pauses are needed when going gets tough
Cause even the heart takes it after every beat,

As a cool breeze freshens me up
I find dry leaves shedding down from the top,
As I catch one of them and grasp it tight
It crumbles just like those memories before my sight,

I'm moved
Not towards my destiny yet,
But within my heart
That I'm unable to cement those crumbling ones intact,

I haven't taken the wrong turn
I'm just lagging behind waiting for someone,
Not to hold my hands and to lead me ahead
Just to sit beside me to give a heed,

I hate this feeling of being left behind
Not knowing how to express it out,
I look back at the past and dream about the future
Heading to a world of my own!

Chennai - Visakhapatnam by Guwahati Express (22.12.2008)

Destination Vizag! For a change my journey began from Chennai Egmore instead of Central!

CAUTION: Strictly Indian Railway stuff! A post dedicated to all Railfans. The following two posts contain extreme Indian Railway terminologies which a normal reader may find it very difficult to comprehend. Step in at your own risk!

The ticket was for 22/12/2008 by the 5629 MS-GHY Express in the S6 coach. My Dad was to accompany me during the trip. I was to join my cousins who have gathered at VSKP for a winter holiday. Me and my Dad decided to leave after 20:00 hrs from our home since we had to make it to MAS by an EMU from Korattur (KOTR) and go to MS to board the train. We reached KOTR at 20:15 hrs, purchased tickets and waited in the platform. A 'Sapthagiri' liveried AJJ WAM-4 powered a Special train towards AJJ side at 20:25 hrs. It was quite difficult to spot the loco number in the dark. Because of this, the 2623 MAS-TVC Superfast Mail got delayed by 15 mins and it thundered past KOTR at 110 Kmph with an ED WAP-4 22298 at 20:38 hrs. Our EMU was yet to come since two EMUs one for MSB and other being a MAS Fast EMU went in-between. Our train was expected at 20:55 hrs. Within 4 mins after the TVC Mail crossed us, the 2601 MAS-MAQ Superfast Mail led by an AJJ WAP-1 22016 and a WAG-7 28026 with a BOXN rake had a face-off at KOTR at 20:42 hrs. Maq Mail was doing somewhere around 90 Kmph. My EMU came at 20:55 hrs. Till BBQ there wasn't much to spot. Spotted Nilgiri Superfast Express with a WAP-4 near the Vyasarpadi curve. Time was 21:20 hrs and we moved slowly out of BBQ and again we halted. This is where AJJ WAP-4 22626 with the 6041 Alleppey Express and BZA WAM-4 20518 with the 2852 Bilaspur Superfast Express moved in parallel tracks out of MAS. There was something even more unusual which i spotted at BBQ Trip shed that day. ED WAP-4s 22244 and 22572 were moving out towards MAS in the same track with less than 50 metres distance. 22572 then had a small halt and switched over its tracks. Both moved into their respective platforms for their duties. We reached MAS at 21:25 hrs. From MAS we took the 15B bus to MS.

MS was reached at 21:45 hrs. We used the North gate to enter the station. Our train was already on PF5 and the power was an AJJ WAM-4 20515. We boarded our coach S6 and luckily there weren't any SMBs in our entire rake. Then I jumped onto the platform to do some more railfanning. But there weren't much trains around except the 1063 MS-SA Express on PF8 which was to be powered by GOC WDM-2 16866. 6177 MS-TPJ/KMU Rockfort Express was being shunted into PF4 at the speed of an EMU !!! I went walking around my platform to check out the entire rake composition. It turned out to be like this....

Loco-3A-SLR- GS-S1-S2- S3-S4-S5- S6-S7-B1- A1-S8-S9- PC-S10-S11- S12-GS-SLR- HCPV-HCPV

The 3A next to the loco was booked by a group. I had no idea who were they and what they were upto. Our train was given the starter bang at 22:30 hrs and we moved out. I doubted the performance of the WAM-4 with a 22 coach load. We moved out slowly from MS. We went through MPK, MSB, Royapuram and Washermanpet and veered towards our right towards Korukkupet to join the MAS-BZA main line. The entire stretch we didn't do more than 30 Kmph. We joined the Main line exactly at 23:00 hrs and 3352 Alleppey-Dhanbad Express was waiting outside Korukkupet with a WAP-1 (probably from AJJ) It was supposed to trail my train i guess. Tiruvottiyur and TNP were done at around 60 Kmph. The LP was accelerating well. We blasted through Wimco Nagar and slowed down near Ennore creek ad crossed it around 30 Kmph. After that it was all clear and we ripped through the outskirts almost at 90 Kmph. We crossed GPD at 23:44 hrs and the LP cranked it crazy and we touched 110 Kmph for the first time. Elavur, Arambakkam and Tada were blasted at MPS. Impressive! We slowed down near SPE and cruised through at 00:10 hrs and once again we were ready to set the track on fire. We passed through GDR at 00:58 hrs since we didn't have a halt there. We were once again doing good speed and i felt we were running well ahead of time. We overtook a flat bed rake hauled by LGD WAG-9 31153. We reached NLR outer at 01:30 hrs and we halted for some 10 mins and pulled into NLR at 01:41 hrs bang on time. I decided to sleep closing the window for a while. After NLR we weren't doing the best of us. Though we did good speeds we halted a couple of times and reached OGL at 03:20 hrs, 10 mins behind schedule. I dozed off completely then. My Dad woke me up at 05:25 hrs since i requested him to do so. And to my astonishment we were only at TEL. What would be the reason for such a delay?! Gosh! I decided to door-plate and it was full of fog and mist. The LP decided to show up his talent now by accelerating had once again. We were doin 80 Kmph and we crossed Krishna Canal Jn in the same speed. The Wammie slowed down to around 50 Kmph as it entered the Krishna Bridge. We then crossed the BZA trip shed where i spotted the following locos...

AJNI WAG-7 27408
LGD WAP-4 22717
BZA WAG-5 23826
BZA WAG-5 23636
BZA WAG-5 24438
BZA WAM-4 21237
BZA WAM-4 21149
BZA WAM-4 21243

We pulled into BZA at 05:58 hrs in PF7 and in the adjacent PF6, 2713 BZA-SC Satavahana Superfast Express was to leave with an LGD WAP-4 22589. 2711 BZA-MAS Pinakini Superfast Express was on PF1 and 2718 BZA-VSKP Ratnachal Superfast Express was on PF2. But our train was given the go ahead of the Satavahana and Ratnachal and we moved out slowly at 06:15 hrs. On the north end of BZA, i found GTL WDM-2 17508 and KZJ WDM-2 17351 standing lonely. From then the acceleration wasn't that good. We did not cross more than 30 kmph for the next few kms. We were running late by 35 mins now. I had heard that the SCR LPs are real aggressive guys but still the LP was in no mood to accelerate. We never touched 90 kmph till Eluru where we reached at 07:12 hrs, 44 mins late. My expectations on the Wammie came down miserably! This is when the LP started to accelerate realizing the delay and we darted through all the wayside towns and villages. Stations like Pulla, Chebrol and Ungutru were ripped of at 105 kmph. Tadepalligudem was crossed at 07:49 hrs and Nidadavolu Jn at 08:10 hrs and we overtook a Passenger train led by BZA WAM-4 20506. We were once again doing great speeds to make up time. LGD WAG-9 31142 passed us with huge coils in a BOXN rake soon followed by a BZA WDP-1 hauled Passenger at high speed.

We reached Kovvur and had an unscheduled halt where a BSL WAG-5 23885 crossed us with a Flatbed rake with coils. We crossed the Godavari at around 50 kmph and we pulled into RJY at 08:45 hrs for a 5 min halt. I spotted an ED WAG-7 27494 with a BCNA rake just outside RJY. We were now late by solid 1 hour and moved out of RJY at 08:52 hrs. BIA WAG-5 23085 crossed us with a BCNA rake then and at Anaparti we were again made to halt at 09:25 hrs for some track inspection work. We were then given the proceed and from then it was absolute rampage.... We accelerated extremely hard, hard and even more hard. We cruised Samalkot Jn at 40 kmph at 09:49 hrs where we overtook an ASN WAG-5 23599 led BCNA rake which had no Caboose. We were once again doing good speed around 80 kmph where an LGD WAG-9 31152 crossed us with BOXN rake. Annavaram was blasted at 105 kmph and Tuni at 80kmph. The LP did everything possible with the WAM-4 which looked aggression personified! I felt like traveling in a WAP-4 hauled train now. I decided to do door-plating and AJJ WAM-4 20573 crossed us at great speed with the 3351 Dhanbad-Alleppey express at Kasimkota. We crossed Anakapalle and the LP decided to do the rampage to the fullest 110 kmph! Horns blaring all the way, we kicked dust very badly that the entire area looked like it was under a fog. Paper plates, plastic covers being tossed everywhere along with dust and what a sight for a railfan! We never slowed down from 95-110 kmph till Duvvada which we crossed at 11:50 hrs. ED WAG-7 27458 with a BOXN rake moved above us from the harbor lines towards the HWH line. From then we proceeded at 40 kmph to move into VSKP AT 12:05 hrs, just 20 mins late. Overall, it was a good journey showcasing the abilities of the Wammie, which though found it difficult to accelerate, did well after once reaching a good speed!