I've never told her....!!

I've never told her how her smile lifts me up...
She's not the LOL type. But sure she giggles at times and gets me into the tickle. She smiles, and in fact laughs so much, laughing hugging her stomach insanely. But you never hear it after those initial tones which pick up the laugh. There's a kid in her, laughing, trying not to make a sound. You can see her eyes go wet, all in joy! Her lips don't need a lip gloss. Since they already wear a smile. Cute she!

I've never told her how much I adore her eyes...
Her eyes, they're so beautiful. But no! That's not the apt word. It would take essays to explain. I hear waves crash over the rocks near the sea every time she gives a slow wink with her half-shut eyes. Imagine a rainbow over the sea, those are her eyebrows. They are natural, nothing more, nothing less. She looks into my eyes and I go blind, all in a flash. Her eyes, they glitter more than diamonds. She's happy, she smiles, and they glitter even more. She does get angry at times and her eyebrows try joining their ends. They make me worry. I place a kiss right between that gap so that they stay separated, for happiness' sake. She gives a worried look sometimes, looking down, her eyes trying not to meet mine. Only waiting for mine to lift hers up.

I've never told her how her voice drives me crazy...
She isn't a vocalist. But I would rather let her talk and do the listening any day over anything! It's adorable and shy, an effect of her shy nature, an effect of her innocence. I would frighten her just to see her voice wobble. The way she calls out my name in the cutest ever form on earth, makes me thank my parents for naming me that way, otherwise this cute angel of mine wouldn't be toying my name this way! More crazy do I go when she speaks half asleep in bed. I wish the sun never rose up again the next day just to hear her mutter those words. I don't care what she says though. Her unclear voice is all that matters to me.

I've never told her how sweet she is...
The way she hugs me from my behind when I return home with full of sweat, the way she makes me rest over her bosom and make me hear her heartbeats compose tunes for me, the way she pulls my cheek when I lie on her lap, the way she brushes her lips with those of mine, the way she grabs my hand tightly when she needs me the most, the way she cutely punches my stomach when I fool her, the way she winks at me when she achieves something... I declare that I lost to her, and indeed I'm lost, in her! Sweetness personified. My honey!

I've never told her what she means to me...
She means happiness. She means sweetness. She means seasons. She means paradise. She means love. She means friendship. She means mother. She also means a child. She means the most, and oh. that would be sacrilege. She means EVERYTHING. Get me a word beyond 'everything'. She would mean that to me.

I've never told her how much I love her...
You probably might think why I haven't told all these to her. Well, definitely I would love to. But the fact is that I haven't met her yet! I haven't moved with her yet. I haven't married her yet to express all my love for her. But when I do, she would probably say............. I better not expect too much! But still, I wish she says "You silly, I knew it even before you said!"

02/04/2011

It wasn't one of the perfect ways to begin a weekend. I woke up with the irritating thought that I had to go to the College to show the prototype of my final year project to my Internal Guide and to the Head of the Department. It wasn't a review though. The only respite being the fact that the breakfast at College had to be Vegetable Pulav since it was a Saturday and that's probably the only reason we attended College on Saturdays in the past 4 years. Much to our surprise the prototype worked perfectly well and we were in for a good amount of appreciation from the staff. Corrections were made in the rough draft of our report and we were all set to start back to home to catch the World Cup Final just in time.

I received phone calls from couple of my friends who wanted me to come to Skywalk to view the match in the big screen. I wanted to go, but my body wasn't willing to cooperate since I had just arrived home with the sun beating down on me for the past 1.5 hours. I chose to watch the match in television and probably when I get out of my tiredness I thought I would proceed to watch it in the big screen along with them. The toss took me into surprise as it looked more the gully cricket like for many reasons. "The toss is crucial." - I heard Ravi Shastri's dialogue-programmed voice in my mind from nowhere as it was total turmoil on the screen what I was witnessing at that moment. And no wonder Shastri too was part of the scene of crime. When Dhoni lost the toss the second time it was tossed, I almost had the thought that we lost the game. It was more like Ganguly winning the toss and chosing to field during the 2003 Final. Never mind, I thought we had equal chances of winning the game by the lucky loss with the toss.

My Dad and Mom who are all-time Cricket haters too joined me before the idiot-box to catch the Final. We were going great guns both with the bowling and fielding, forget Sreesanth! But I also had this crazy thought in one corner that Sree was also a part of the T20 WC Final winning team's playing eleven. I wished history repeated itself for this guy somehow that Saturday despite his terrible bowling. I dozed away after Sangakkara and Jayawardene started building up their partnership. The run rate kept oscillating just around 4.00 RPO. I woke up after the 40th over only to see our bowlers getting thrashed in the batting powerplay during the death and Jayawardene removing his helmet to mark his century. 274/6 was no mean score in a WC Final. Chasing it in Mumbai carrying a billion hopes is gonna be a real test of character for our guys. I kept my fingers crossed as Sachin and Sehwag walked in amidst the huge roar by the crowd. I was seeing Sachin walk into the pitch one last time in a WC match. I wished it wasn't his last ODI at least for what few suckers stirred up such a crazy rumor.

My Mom on the other hand started making coconut boli, a sweet, for dinner saying that India would definitely win the Cup. But what followed was a shock which would have caused me nausea had I been eating that moment. Sehwag getting out the second ball for a gold-coated duck and Sachin falling for 18, but playing an elegant and exquisite innings during that brief stay. A hot coconut boli came into my plate and I gave a confusing look at my Mom. She chuckled and said that the best is yet to come. My sentiments came to my mind for a moment. I usually had the habit of staying away from the television set whenever the Indian team was in a crisis. Even if it was against a team as bad as Afghanistan! I moved out from the drawing room into my room to sit before my PC and started playing few Hindi songs and had my supper.

I seriously felt that my 'sweet' dinner wasn't getting into my throat. I had become a choker! It took me an hour and ten minutes to finish my dinner!!! I only wished that the team didn't choke badly to face a loss similar to what happened in 2003. I opened a tab for Cricinfo to update me with whats happening at the Wankhede. I gulped two bottles of water as I felt the heat. Kohli and Gambhir were steadying the ship well. "Gambhir kannula oru fire theriyudhu!" (I could see fire in Gambhir's eyes!) came an SMS. I wished that it continued as my sentiments were working out perfectly. Kohli was out after an 83 run stand with Gauti. Well done! I had my instincts telling that Dhoni would come next ahead of Yuvraj and play a mammoth innings, at least to maintain the Right-Left combination at the crease. And lo...!!! Update came that Dhoni had stepped in. Instincts Part 1 - check! It was now Dhoni's turn to check the Part 2 too. The scoreboard ticked and ticked every moment. Wonderful! Rajnikant was trending in Twitter as well. Dhoni crossed his 50 and Gauti approached his century only to fall 3 runs short. It was a victory knock without any argument. After Yuvraj coming in, it was itching for me to go back to the hall and catch the remaining action as victory seemed more certain now. I just hoped that they did not throw away their wickets and put up another great-Indian-collapse!

As I was worrying on this regard, Yuvraj pulled one for a boundary and Dhoni slammed one for a SIX over the point an over later. I had come to watch at the right time! Dhoni escaped a run-out and things seemed normal soon. Every over had couple of boundaries from then and the duo were ripping off towards remaking history. Mom was clapping her hands even before the winning shot was made. Crackers went on instantly in my locality even before that. I was going to witness something very astonishing and unusual and shall be remembering it for the rest of my lifetime or probably tell this even to my grandchildren! Kulasekara's delivery was rocket-launched by Dhoni for a SIX and I erupted, the crowd erupted and of course the entire nation erupted! I witnessed it at last. Every member of the team getting emotional, Sachin being carried around the ground on a victory lap, the team lifting the WorldCup, all those were truly amazing and priceless moments that must be relished and cherished by every Indian indeed. While going to bed post midnight, I just realized that my sentiments worked and my Mom's sweet worked as well! LOL! :D

Leaving you with the visuals of victory! :)


DHONI LAUNCHING HIS HELICOPTER AT LAST....



WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS...!!! :) :) :)

Happy New Year!

Replenishment! This is what this domain and myself need at this moment. Seldom do I usually recap on what happened the entire year when it nears its climax. But this time it just didn't let me be the same. Event-FULL is the apt word to describe. There were some firsts and quite unfortunately many lasts which never were meant to last! Nevertheless, experience was the much gained one. 2010 was the year of experience of a lifetime. Filled with the essence of fun, thrill, friendship, love, romance, prayers, adventure, travel, disappointment, heart-break, revenge and what not?! Cant deny any of these in my 2010 potpourri.

From Tirupati (Jan 1) to Tiruchchirappalli (Dec 24), the itinerary for the year was destined and finalized by fate which remained unknown for me though, obviously. Every day contributed a surprise stroke leading towards an unusual caricature. Hopefully the portrait should find its shape by 2011, which indeed is gonna be the year of decisions, for the lifetime.

Career and personal life graphs were at their exponential rise and fall respectively. There weren't any qualms when it came to my education and career. The year provided me the best! My aspirations on pursuing PGDBM after my Engineering grew manifold. I had chosen my destiny, at last. This is what I wanna be! Attending classes, taking up mocks towards CAT, the main one, and JMET thereafter, the exposure was immense. Though I would consider my first attempt was to gain the experience of what MBA entrance exams were all about, I'm gung-ho on my future attempts probably in 2011. Meanwhile, Tata Consultancy Services recruited me in campus placement for the post of Assistant Systems Engineer. The way I got recruited was just awesomeness, especially the personal interview. It couldn't have been a better one!

Relationships with people hit the all time low. Misunderstandings, ignorance, duels, betrayals were cropping up badly everywhere around me all of a sudden. Cant be justified that I was all perfect and others were wrong. The mistakes were on my part too, partially. Regrets!! Result, the friends circle shrunk, its diameter being eaten up by ego and attitude. Life had to go on. There's very little hope that things will change. Taking the positives from whatever happened, I realized who really cared and mattered a lot. Yet again, 2010 proved to be a year of experience.

I traveled a lot this year, without parents accompanying me luckily! There's always this parental guidance whenever I make a journey on most occasions which I am sick of. This time it wasn't to be. I made many trips with friends like never before. Coincidentally the year 2010 began at Tirupati and ended at Tiruchchirappalli. Yelagiri, Tirupattur, Vellore and Kanchipuram were other places outside the city where I made short trips alone and along with friends. Expecting more trips outside Tamilnadu next year. The year was also filled with prayers. Not only for myself. That is all I could say. We don't get everything we need. One's gotta understand that. I somehow did.

Sadly, I've completely lost the habit of listening to English tracks. I seriously don't remember clicking even a single English track in my desktop this year. Nor did I watch one in television. I did discover the good regional ones though. Music, I feel it everywhere. Books read - NIL. Damn! :(

And this is the year I increased heck a lot of weight!! *sigh* I completely lost my physique, though I didn't turn up being plump. When everyone around seem to be gym-ing and concentrating too much on their appearance, I simply don't seem to be finding time to take care of myself. Wonder why! I shouldn't be allowing this to continue anymore. Sadly, we don't find much people who accept you for what you are, instead the appearance is the one which plays the game. Philosophy and reality sometimes go against and sometimes do go parallel. Sounds irrelevant? Its not! I need to shape up, both, my mind and body at the earliest!

Wish 2011 brings the change.

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE..!! :) :)

Changing Faces

Bottom of the rack did my albums lay,
Pulled them out and they made my day.
Posing together within transparent sheets,
Obsequiously got crowded those memories.

Nestled close in each others arms,
Unaware of our possessed charms.
Closed my eyes just to hear,
Those forgotten voices loud and clear.

Blurred memories came to the fore,
Took me back to the days of yore.
Tranquil moments as such stay memorable,
Fortunate to get away not into a rubble.

For the loved ones smiled as my fingers trace,
Innocence connoted on everyone's face.
Questions now arise why are they lost,
Desperate to bring them back at any cost.

They now stand with their faces changed,
Innocence put to the slaughter and buried.
Running after time and for themselves,
And none of us seem to be selfless.

From let us meet and plan,
To let us plan and meet.
Legs which once ran tireless for miles,
Now run just to see them bearing fake smiles.

I blame not everyone,
For they all were bygone.
But still their heart belongs to me,
Safe somewhere even they cant see.

I shall continue being their friend,
Never letting our friendship end.
Be with them forever and more,
Wishing some magic still left in store.

Making a Choice.

A hot and humid afternoon it was. She had been deeply engrossed with the novel she had brought from the Library since morning. That remained her only entertainment in the Women's hostel from the day she relocated from Chennai to Hyderabad for job. She didn't prefer taking a home for rent as it would bring her only increased unnecessary expenses. She had her guy though, a colleague with whom she found striking similarities within days she met him in office. He took care of her more like his own child, and that was all she needed staying away from her parents whom she missed so much. She couldn't have prayed for a better replacement. Such a smooth and sensible love they shared between them. He remained extremely possessive on her, and that made her avoid unnecessary conversations with men, just because that he had warned her not to trust any guy around. She would deal stuffs with men regarding official purposes though. She never felt that she missed anything due to this. Her guy remained her everything.

She threw the book on the couch and decided to go for lunch. As she proceeded back to the hostel, she felt a sudden urge inside and rang up her most trusted and her only male friend. She had known him since the very first day of her Post Graduation. All along her educational career she had been thrown into various Girls' Schools and even her Under Graduation was in a Women's College. He had been her only male friend whom she confided everything with, other than her guy. She had been in touch with him everyday without hesitation though her guy being very strict all over on these issues.

HE: Hello!

SHE: Hey dude...

HE: You told me yesterday that you wanna tell something.

SHE: Err.. Yes, but.... I forgot it.

HE: Come on! Don't lie. Now tell me.

SHE: There's nothing to lie. I just forgot it man.

HE: Alright bye!!!

SHE: Hey hey, chill now. Why are you getting tensed?

(He remained silent for the next few seconds)

SHE: You have gone mad! Bye.

HE: Haahaa!!

SHE: Then what? Why do you get tensed for everything?

HE: Hmmm, now go ahead. Tell me whats your problem. What were you about to tell me yesterday?

SHE: You very well know that my guy is so possessive and all that. And it pricks me that I'm not obeying his words when it comes to you alone. I'm not doing anything wrong with you though. But he shall not understand even if I explain a billion times to him that you are a good chap. And I knew you very well, much before he entered my life.

HE: So?

SHE: I'm in a dilemma!

HE: I can understand. You are planning to take a break from me.

SHE: I'm still unable to express it dude.

HE: When it comes to Love or Friendship, any girl will obviously consider only her Love since it is more important and it has to do with her life. Whereas friendship can come back to you at any point in life. Nothing wrong in your decision. Take a break.

SHE: Thanks for understanding that dude!

HE: But your guy is just too much! Huh! So you can be without me and my friendship right?

SHE: But you aren't gonna miss me anyway since you have so many female friends around you. I'm just one among them.

HE: Not at all! I treasure you so much. In fact you may be surprised to know that I value you so much than how much you valued me all these days.

SHE: Really??!! Huh, you never told me all this before. Are you serious?

HE: Yeah! Obviously. You were the first girl whom I met during my Post Graduation. Through you I made friendship with so many other girls, that's a different story. Haha! And you, yourself must be knowing how much you had cared for me all these days. You are indeed special to me! You are such a nice girl. I mean it.

SHE: Had you been a girl, I would have hugged you now!

HE: I can't be taking the girl avatar just for the reason that you are gonna hug me!

SHE: Aiyae!!

HE: By the way, though we have been close buddies past 4 years, I haven't asked you this question before. What made you accept me as your friend when there were so many guys trying to befriend you?

SHE: I found out what kinda person you are through your writings. Moreover you were very genuine with me. I didn't bother your lavish words on me too. Haha! Whereas I'm sure that the other guys weren't trying to move with me in the same way and with the respect which you gave. I think that we just became good friends easily.

HE: So am I just a good friend to you?

SHE: Oh God, you have questions out of everything which I say. You are my only best friend among the guys I've met in my life dude! I can be my normal self with you which I cant be even with girls.

HE: Had you been a guy, I would have hugged you straight away now!

SHE: Haha! This nakkal is one thing which I liked in you right from the beginning.

HE: But you wanted to take a break from me right?

SHE: Concentrate on flirting other chicks around you for now! Enjoy life.

HE: That's different. But I'm gonna miss you!

SHE: Get yourself normal now. Make sure you enjoy your life mate. I may not buzz or call you daily, hereafter!

HE: Hmmm! But make sure that you come back to me whenever you feel like. Keep me informed about your well being and also in case you find yourself in any personal problem. I'm sure I can get you out of it very easily. I wanna be there with you at least during those moments.

SHE: Sure I will. Don't worry.

HE: Hope you will keep remembering me once in a while.

SHE: Cha cha, no I wont! Haahaa!

HE: Get lost, Idiot! Miss you..... Stay in touch. Bye!

Disclaimer: The above conversation/story is the result of jobless thoughts over conflicts between Love and Friendship which a girl would face when she has an extra possessive guy and a super good friend. Any resemblance to other impersonal stories is purely, and convincingly INTENTIONAL !!! :P

Mission Happiness...!

Staying away from Blogging for eight months should be the worst case for any emulous blogger. Not that I'm too much an aspiring one to add myself in that category in the first place. And the days were rather VERY MUCH eventful. Almost two-thirds of a year right?! Unable to recollect many, and there's also some sense of insecurity in me which stops me from publishing them. Still this page is being read by many be whatever crap I post, and I was even asked when am I gonna publish my next post by at least half a dozen people in the meantime. Thanks a ton for your interest and support! And I, myself was surprised to see when I accidentally slipped into my webpage that the page-hits had crossed over 2000! Readers have mostly been my School and College friends and Railfans who read stuffs apart from trains too.

Meanwhile, I just had my 6th semester done and awaiting the most disastrous result of my lifetime, though I'm little bit happy about the fact that I have just one more year to crib about Engineering. Screwed up two papers like never before and adding insult to injury the University did its part by setting up a controversial question paper which ended up in a fiasco. So its gonna be minimum three to watch out for this time. Never had I done a satisfying semester as yet and this worst episode comes at a time where placements are around the corner. Never mind, Anna University might spring up a surprise anytime even during the results. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Lots of plans in mind due this summer. At least to forget what I have been for the past 6 months. I get bitten by the blue every now and then, and the best way to not get caught unawares is to be prepared. One month of healthy distraction is all I need. I feel, I shouldn't be sulking when things aren't gonna change. And rightly the official announcement has come that my college reopens only on June 24th. 40 whole days!!! Thanks for being so generous. I need a break, and this is what I've planned to do, or keep myself engaged so that I don't let myself down again...

And here are things I wish to do this summer....

1. Hanging out - This is something which I had missed so much in the recent past. Staying home is the best way to make things worse when you are not at the best of yourself. Interactions and going out with more happy and fun loving people is the need of the hour. Meeting or catching up with old friends and spending quality time with them is always worth it. Meanwhile, my conversations with Mom have come down considerably. Not that she's boring and all, but only that she's the most bugging person ever in my life. lol! I'll come back to you after the semester results, Mom. Or at least after a month's holidays. Stay away Mom, just leave me alone.

2. Cut off unwanted people - This just adds as an epilogue to my previous point. But since it involved my Mom, I had no heart to include her in this 'unwanted' category. Justice done. There are people who don't even dream of making me feel good. Its not their job anyway. But at least they could have been a little bit nicer. They always cling around, off course with jealousy, and with no other job other than intimidating, rude remarking, humiliating, gossiping the wrong and what not?! It is indeed because of these people I was able to segregate whom I need and whom I don't. There's always a good from the bad. Thank you so much! Go fetch a life.

3. Railfanning - How would I miss out this one? My holidays are incomplete without Railfanning. Locomotives and trains have never disappointed in entertaining me at any point in life. They are such sweet lifeless buddies who make me feel light which even human beings around couldn't.

4. Blogging - Keying this out in the blogosphere, it would be injustice if I don't mention Blogging. I have always amazed at people who spend so much time and interest on blogging. From where do they get so much topics to write? I wonder. I wish I read and write more this summer. And this is just the perfect headstart.

5. CAT / Placement preparation - Though both require the same kind of preparation on the basics, I'm almost unsure about the placement part since the results are unfortunately bound to be a flop show. Its too early to say. But its almost certain. Unless the University is open handed in awarding marks, there seems to be no other magical way to clear those papers. Better not to expect that since the correction standards have gone haywire since last semester. Never mind, its all over.And CAT? Yes, the hunt is still there. Atleast in securing a good college if not for the IIMs.

6. Physical exercise / Weight reduction - This has been on high agenda. I somewhat have started getting a feeling that I'm getting obese without physical exercise these days. Not even Cricket. Quite a number of people around me have started gym-ming and keep discussing about being muscular, diet-control etc., I have no interest in that though. Just wanna keep myself fit and healthy. Had a 45 minute fast-walk today morning against the beaming sun and felt the calories burning away. Loved it. Planning to involve myself in exercising and jogging too.

7. Inplant training - Holidays, and yes, time for inplant training. Will never forget the previous year's 8-day training at Basin Bridge Railway Yard where there was maximum fun and learning. Awaiting one such training this year too, and it shall prove to be relaxing for sure.

8. Movies / Novels - My bad habit that I realize these things do exist, only during summer! Planning to catch up those missed ones during leisure.

9. Pray - That doesn't need any explanation.

Stay Blessed! Wish you a Happy Summer ahead! :)

More Ramblings....

Had you asked me how my week was, "Exciting" is all I would say. Probably one of the best weeks in recent times since June when my stifle began for survival. Attending college 6 days a week should be definitely taxing, I know. With all the mental agony and depressions, being loaded with loads of responsibilities all of a sudden, its quite difficult indeed to balance everything. I badly miss myself - The Insouciant Aswin is no more. I want to write.... Write like many of you out there, when something holds me aback and I just succumb to it. Never mind, I have few good hearts who spend time reading my ramblings and managing to drop in their voices as text. Thanks a ton for your encouragement people. I wish I can post better topics in the days to come. But I can never be a pro blogger, and that's evident now.

Well, coming back to the topic(?), yeah the week that was. I had somehow developed the feeling of being homesick since last month. I have been attending coaching classes on how to "Bell the CAT" ( the MBA entrance test it is) on weekdays presuming that I may stay home at least during the weekend. But it wasn't meant to be either, partying out with Buddies hardly getting time to stay at home. But yes, I do come back.... To have dinner, finish my never ending record works and to hit the sack. Hectic I tell you! But that wasn't for too long.

Since last weekend began the relaxing spree where we got an off on Monday after a while, very much after a while. A needed respite. The Saturday saw us heading towards Power Grid Corporation in Sriperumbudur on an Industrial Visit. Standing under the sun at a scorching 2 pm for the sake of staring at High Voltage Transformers and Relays screwed us tight.
Result: severe headache! :-(

Meanwhile, Myself and a Soul Friend of mine decided to meet for a Dinner after a huge 4 month gap. Plan was to meet in T.Nagar and later it had to be shifted to Ashok Pillar at the last moment. By the time I fetched one of my Buddies to drop me over there, it was already 07:10 pm and she had asked me to be there by 06:30 pm!!! LOL! Make a girl wait for you and see how she gruffs! "Am so sorry! Haha....!!!" was all I could do about it. And as I held out the chocolates which she desired the most with a sheepish grin, she bounced over it immediately smiling all over her face! Even a Mastercard can't buy you that! :-D

Last Monday was supposed to be our department symposium (which we ourselves hate...! duh!) and it needed our valuable(!) contributions in designing charts for the events that were to be held. I took charge over "Play with Circuits" with some time-consuming idea which I called myself innovative ( yeah, later everyone agreed with it!). The idea was to write PLAY WITH CIRCUITS with all the circuit elements which you can think of, and it came out much better than what was expected. Appreciations and class bunks - that was all I needed! ;-)

My passion towards Telugu has been increasing quite madly these days and I don't know why! A Pal of mine dropped in to give me "Koncham Ishtam Koncham Kashtam", a recent time telugu super hit and I must admit that I enjoyed every reel of it. Maybe I badly needed some relaxation, I guess. A very simple story with neat presentation makes it stand apart from other crap run-in-the-mill Telugu flicks. Music (Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy) and Cinematography deserve mention adding rich color to the movie. Siddharth was at his best and Tamanna looked cute as ever! Worth killing 3 hours for relaxation! :-)

And nowadays I find a group always coming around me trying to find out whether am I committed or not.....!!! LOL! "Dude, are you committed?" is one question which I came across almost a dozen times last week. I have no idea what makes them ask such questions suddenly. Well, I don't find myself good enough to get committed. I'm no Boyfriend material either.....! :-|

And before I wind up, let me leave you with this feel good track from "Koncham Ishtam Koncham Kashtam"...

Wish to write "sensible" posts soon....! :-P

Heading Nowhere...

Yet another week in the sequel of nothing-goes-my-way run. Draining me out, completely and emotionally! Chiseling me into shambles and smithereens, making me look more like an utter crap ( wasn't I already am?). With lots to regret and nothing to forget, I have no options but to continue taking whatever comes. Life has never thrown options towards me, leaving only with compromises and no better replacements. Or is it just that everything is messed up in my head or myself being a messed up creature altogether?! Questions storm within me which could very well be answered only by me. (Not that I wanna show off that nobody understands my feelings and nobody has the answers to my questions and all that crap!) Few, I repeat, only few have been extremely supportive at every moment, be it Good or Bad. A source of respite for me, when I look low to their eyes. This post has just popped out during one such low and Bad phase of mine, considering that Good times don't remain forever and always, being very obvious.

I have noticed this right since my childhood. Being gifted with everything best around, and cursed of being unable to relish it and posses it at any time later. Things which seemed reasonable to be desired by me weren't meant to be mine when I needed the most. The real world around doesn't interest me anymore. Now that is not surprising. Because the real world has never aroused my spirit. But I had this innate ability to create an internal world within myself and be safely tucked in there. Yeah, I HAD that ability. That amazing ability to disconnect myself from te real world and connect with an inner world has been taken away. Now I grope for thoughts to fill my empty moments, but in vain. People whom I loved in real remained the same in my virtual life. All I could imagine was the better version of what I was. But later, it wasn't meant to be too. Regrets enough! All I can do is, post this meaningless bullshit which keeps accumulating my empty space on the top, just for the heck of it! Maybe, its time I move on... For the sake of filling up empty moments, and for the sake of feeling alive in life.... Once again.....

Everything around me is just so fine,
But nothing really seems to be mine....

On the lighter side, let me leave you with a couple of Thalaivar Rajnikanth's dialogs which are promising truths.... ;-)

1. "Kedaikaradhu kedaikaama irukkadhu... Kedaikkama irukaradhu kedaikadhu....!" [You get only what you deserve] :)

2. "Nallavana aandavan sodhippan, aana kai vida maatan... Kettavanukku aandavan ellathayum tharuvan, aana kai vittuduvan....!" [The Good is always tested, but never let down by God. Whereas the Bad gets gifted with everything, but will be hopeless someday] :D

So, naan nallavanaa illa kettavanaa?! :P

P.S: Don't try finding coherence with the lines I scribbled in this state.

Cheers to Life...!!! (Though it has nothing to offer me.)

See ya!

Welcome Junior !

WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT.

Two years ago, some day in September....

I was seated in the 5th row of the bus from the last, the Sun in the west scorching through the heated window as i was sitting near it. I closed it and tried to have a nap as we were returning home back from college. Sumanth was sitting to the left of me. Had a small conversation with him regarding ragging which our immediate seniors "The 2nd years" had told us that it may happen that day, though they don't involve much in it. It was a Saturday and we were quite sure that the Seniors were in for some fun with us for the weekend.

Call that guy in the middle... a voice from the last row uttered it quite slowly considering the staffs occupying the front seats!

Anjan, the 2nd year faithfully did what his senior asked him to. Sumanth was to begin the show. He was asked to stand in the stairs of the closed back door so that none of the staffs really got a view of whats going behind in that staircase since it was obviously a low floor. The other seniors told us not to turn back to see whats happening there. Kept concentrating with my extended hear-power to have an idea whats gonna be done.

Sing us a song....

Sumanth started with a charm...

Yeah,
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!

He did it in a flourish. Lose Yourself for you. There was a dumb silence behind. The were six senior bozos listening this among which none of them would've understood a word.

We don't get your song. Get us the Tamil version of this in a paper and sing it again in Tamil.... The guy with the glasses sent Sumanth back to his place.

Is that all??? I asked him.

Guess so..... Sumanth was a relieved man, and his face showed it well. It was a piece of cake with enough icing for him.

Now the guy near the window.... Came a voice once again from the back. It was me, I knew!

I went back and stood in the stairs with a serious look. There were 6 of them who looked nothing less than morons. A hairy one, a fat monster, a specs wearing specimen, a professional looking prankster (He became my friend later!), And a couple of black lizards. The fun was about to begin. Not really funny though....

Now who asked you to stand in the stairs? The hairy one near the door began.

I climbed up and stood on the floor.

Did we ask you to come up now? Go there and stand... Retorted the guy with the glasses.

I went down once again . This should possibly be the last time I am doing this. And I mean it.

Now why are you blocking the air which is coming in through the door? Move up. - the hairy one now. A bird's nest would look more neat compared to his hairstyle.

Now you both decide among yourselves and tell me where should I stand !!! I hit back, though managing to grin.

Look, you need not order us what to do. Do what we say !

He was bound to get the worst out of me. I held the door with my right hand and started staring out...

Now look here and don't lean over anything. Stand straight.

I was still staring out without giving a heed to what they ordered me to do.

Hey ?!!!

Yeah, tell me.

Sing us a song, or put up a dance now.

I don't know both !

Then what else can you do? Don't you possess any talent ?!

No.

That's okay. You try singing now.

I can't sing, I told you.- Is there any necessity that I should expose my talents to these shims?! I better not.

Now do something for us and leave the place.

I don't know anything.

So are you gonna stay here doing nothing? The hairy one gave a fierce look.

I stared him back and didn't reply a word. I knew the ball was in my court. Considering the strictness my college maintains on these issues, anything which is gonna happen big and beyond is gonna affect only them and not me as a junior. I'm gonna play....

Now why is your face this serious? Be normal.

I kept staring out without noticing him. I felt blood boiling inside me for the first time.

Alright lets switch over to something interesting. Have you watched Porn movies? - Began another.

Its better to say YES rather than a NO to get bullied by these arse-holes! My inner voice said.

Yes !!!

Oh that's good then. So now you are gonna enact to us what "really" happens in those movies.

Meaning?!

Do we need to explain?

I can't act what you asked for.

Then narrate us whatever you saw in it.... Every time I refused to do something, these guys came down from their level of ragging! lol!

Haven't you guys watched porn movies before in your lives???!

No son, we haven't watched any...! Chuckled the bloke with the glasses.

Then I don't think I should be explaining it to Kids !!! I slapped them back to see those faces get pissed off for the first time.

I knew I was dominating. Indeed I was, taking advantage of my position as a so called "Junior" to pee on the faces of those 6 bastards. They can't lay their hands on me either. And I wouldn't be the same if anything is gonna happen to me. Anything and everything is just gonna be against them, and I was well prepared for whatever is gonna happen.

Do you think that you are talking too smart?

I never told like that. Did I ?!

Look, we are your seniors and you need to do what we say.....

Oh really ?!!

One should've seen Mr.Glasses' face that moment. He was totally bemused! I loved it. I felt that I was going a little bit out-of-control against them. Felt heroism for the first time in life surrounded by 6 men and unable to move a muscle against me. I was elated!

This is it. You needn't do anything for us now. Get something for each one for us tomorrow when you come.

What do you guys want?

I need a Condom! Hairy came forward eagerly to list what he wants.

Hmmm...

I need a Jockey. Free size. Glasses was the next.

Okay.

Get me a Maaza, 2 litres bottle and a Chocolate cake cut into 16 equal pieces. The fat monster ordered his part with a glee.

Hmmm....

Get us Porn DVDs from Burma Bazaar. We watch only celebrities stuff! Those remaining black lizards jumped in.

Alright....!

So when are you gonna get us all these?

I never told that I'm gonna buy all these for you. Did I ???

This idiot is making us beg him ! Frustrated Hairy lost his patience completely by now...

What's your Dad? Where are you from?!

I'm from Korattur. My Dad works in the Police Department. He is the P.A to the Director General Of Police !!!

Leave him away... - Whispered the Monster to Hairy. It was Game ME.

Salute us and say "Good Evening" to each one of us and leave now.... Hairy gave a last try.

I can't.

Hey leave him now, move.... Go to your place. The remaining ones shoo-ed me away.

It was a 40 minute show overall, where all I had to do was stand idle staring out and trying to remember that I was being ragged by few useless dumkophs once in a while.

Moral - Its Advantage YOU, if you have landed up in a strict college as a Junior !

Fate that you must listen to this piece of advice! :P

Tagged !!!

I got tagged too, so I decide to write few things about me. (Err... Just one another lame excuse for not being able to "think" much to write during the holidays!)

So here we go...

Ten things I wish I could say to the people whom I love...

1. I've always cared for you nevertheless of whatever I do.
2. Without you, life wouldn't have been so interesting.
3. You are the best thing I can ever get.
4. I miss you a lot. More than I can ever express.
5. I wish I knew you better.
6. I wish you reciprocate something back, of what I give you.
7. I completely understand whenever you say you are busy. I just pretend otherwise.
8. Please don't ignore me. Losing you is my biggest fear.
9. You made me feel special. Thank you!
10. Love you lots!!! Though I never say it out.



Nine things about myself...

1. I have a good heart as you know it well. And I can boast about it till I fall.
2. Trains are in my blood. Anyone here?
3. I’m an absolute absent minded freak.
4. I hate to show attitude on my loved ones. I'm kind enough to forgive people.
5. "Thanks" and "Sorry" are the words which I use the most. They don't cost a penny.
6. Daydreaming??? Oh yeah!!!
7. I save money. That doesn't mean I'm stingy.
8. I don't trust anyone easily. But you can trust me. Infact most of them does.
9. I hate to say "Goodbye". Well what's the "Good" in it?



Eight ways to win my heart...

1. Be modest and honest. Tell me the truth, even if it hurts.
2. When you are with me, try to be with me.
3. I hate being ignored, I say this a thousand times and that's what the above one means too.
4. Make me laugh and laugh with me. I'm sure I can make you happy.
5. Have deep conversations with me. You can very well share your secrets.
6. Let me be a part of both your happiness and sorrow.
7. Don't boast too much about yourself before me. I'll be laughing inside.
8. And most importantly, your looks never ever matter to me.



Seven things that cross my mind a lot...

1. Future?!!
2. What power are my favorite trains gonna get today?
3. Let me put up a chat with him/her now.
4. Yeah, my parents are watching me... Sniff!
5. Why am I being ignored by a few?!
6. Is this life really worth living it?
7. How am I gonna fare this semester?! Just for the heck of it.



Six things I wish I never did...

1. I shouldn't have taken up Engineering... Sick!!!
2. I shouldn't have met few, till now and forever.
3. I shouldn't have allowed those few to boss over me.
4. I shouldn't have experimented much with myself.
5. I shouldn't have trusted few too much.
6. I shouldn't be regretting like this now!!!




Five turn off's...

1. Ignorance.
2. Advise... Goddamn I can organise myself more than what you think!
3. Bossing over me.
4. Lack of freedom.
5. Curd... Yuck!!!





Four turn on's...

1. Making friendship... I'm ready!
2. You like me? I don't need anything else...
3. Are you happy? I would always love to see it!
4. Rail-fanning... Yes sir!







Three things I want to do before I die...

1. Make my Parents, Buddies and my Partner feel that they wouldn't have got a better one than me.
2. Charity from the money I earn.
3. Die before my loved ones die...





Two smileys that describe me...

;-)
:-O







One confession...

I shall never change myself for anyone... Because I'm already being liked for what I am. (I think and hope so.....!!!)






CHEERS TO LIFE !!! :)

I Do Scribble Some Poetry....!!!

We started together somewhere someday
Taking a path supposed to be the destiny's way,
Some ditched me and held me at bay
While most called it a league and had just raced away,

I know I'm heading nowhere
Searching for people who would really care,
I never knew anything before
That I'll live this moment just to allure,

As I tread along the path of life
Future shows me the signs of strife,
The past was as green as the meadows
I look for a place to rest under the shadows,

I don't wanna move further
I can't stay here either,
Future looks bleak till the horizon
While even the next second in life remains unknown,

I look around for people
Who are no more visible,
They've raced ahead of me so wild
Perhaps they were destiny's child?!

I stand still, taking a turn
Looking the way I had come,
This path was well known to me
I go back once again absolutely care-free,

Unable to stand now
Having come a long way in this path,
With nobody here to accompany me
I sit in a bench beneath a withering tree,

Memories have been the only thing which I carry
While others are working towards their glory,
As I nestle myself in this bench
I'm lost among a sea of memories,

I knew this wasn't gonna help me anyway
Yet you can't keep running life in an expressway,
Pauses are needed when going gets tough
Cause even the heart takes it after every beat,

As a cool breeze freshens me up
I find dry leaves shedding down from the top,
As I catch one of them and grasp it tight
It crumbles just like those memories before my sight,

I'm moved
Not towards my destiny yet,
But within my heart
That I'm unable to cement those crumbling ones intact,

I haven't taken the wrong turn
I'm just lagging behind waiting for someone,
Not to hold my hands and to lead me ahead
Just to sit beside me to give a heed,

I hate this feeling of being left behind
Not knowing how to express it out,
I look back at the past and dream about the future
Heading to a world of my own!

Chennai - Visakhapatnam by Guwahati Express (22.12.2008)

Destination Vizag! For a change my journey began from Chennai Egmore instead of Central!

CAUTION: Strictly Indian Railway stuff! A post dedicated to all Railfans. The following two posts contain extreme Indian Railway terminologies which a normal reader may find it very difficult to comprehend. Step in at your own risk!

The ticket was for 22/12/2008 by the 5629 MS-GHY Express in the S6 coach. My Dad was to accompany me during the trip. I was to join my cousins who have gathered at VSKP for a winter holiday. Me and my Dad decided to leave after 20:00 hrs from our home since we had to make it to MAS by an EMU from Korattur (KOTR) and go to MS to board the train. We reached KOTR at 20:15 hrs, purchased tickets and waited in the platform. A 'Sapthagiri' liveried AJJ WAM-4 powered a Special train towards AJJ side at 20:25 hrs. It was quite difficult to spot the loco number in the dark. Because of this, the 2623 MAS-TVC Superfast Mail got delayed by 15 mins and it thundered past KOTR at 110 Kmph with an ED WAP-4 22298 at 20:38 hrs. Our EMU was yet to come since two EMUs one for MSB and other being a MAS Fast EMU went in-between. Our train was expected at 20:55 hrs. Within 4 mins after the TVC Mail crossed us, the 2601 MAS-MAQ Superfast Mail led by an AJJ WAP-1 22016 and a WAG-7 28026 with a BOXN rake had a face-off at KOTR at 20:42 hrs. Maq Mail was doing somewhere around 90 Kmph. My EMU came at 20:55 hrs. Till BBQ there wasn't much to spot. Spotted Nilgiri Superfast Express with a WAP-4 near the Vyasarpadi curve. Time was 21:20 hrs and we moved slowly out of BBQ and again we halted. This is where AJJ WAP-4 22626 with the 6041 Alleppey Express and BZA WAM-4 20518 with the 2852 Bilaspur Superfast Express moved in parallel tracks out of MAS. There was something even more unusual which i spotted at BBQ Trip shed that day. ED WAP-4s 22244 and 22572 were moving out towards MAS in the same track with less than 50 metres distance. 22572 then had a small halt and switched over its tracks. Both moved into their respective platforms for their duties. We reached MAS at 21:25 hrs. From MAS we took the 15B bus to MS.

MS was reached at 21:45 hrs. We used the North gate to enter the station. Our train was already on PF5 and the power was an AJJ WAM-4 20515. We boarded our coach S6 and luckily there weren't any SMBs in our entire rake. Then I jumped onto the platform to do some more railfanning. But there weren't much trains around except the 1063 MS-SA Express on PF8 which was to be powered by GOC WDM-2 16866. 6177 MS-TPJ/KMU Rockfort Express was being shunted into PF4 at the speed of an EMU !!! I went walking around my platform to check out the entire rake composition. It turned out to be like this....

Loco-3A-SLR- GS-S1-S2- S3-S4-S5- S6-S7-B1- A1-S8-S9- PC-S10-S11- S12-GS-SLR- HCPV-HCPV

The 3A next to the loco was booked by a group. I had no idea who were they and what they were upto. Our train was given the starter bang at 22:30 hrs and we moved out. I doubted the performance of the WAM-4 with a 22 coach load. We moved out slowly from MS. We went through MPK, MSB, Royapuram and Washermanpet and veered towards our right towards Korukkupet to join the MAS-BZA main line. The entire stretch we didn't do more than 30 Kmph. We joined the Main line exactly at 23:00 hrs and 3352 Alleppey-Dhanbad Express was waiting outside Korukkupet with a WAP-1 (probably from AJJ) It was supposed to trail my train i guess. Tiruvottiyur and TNP were done at around 60 Kmph. The LP was accelerating well. We blasted through Wimco Nagar and slowed down near Ennore creek ad crossed it around 30 Kmph. After that it was all clear and we ripped through the outskirts almost at 90 Kmph. We crossed GPD at 23:44 hrs and the LP cranked it crazy and we touched 110 Kmph for the first time. Elavur, Arambakkam and Tada were blasted at MPS. Impressive! We slowed down near SPE and cruised through at 00:10 hrs and once again we were ready to set the track on fire. We passed through GDR at 00:58 hrs since we didn't have a halt there. We were once again doing good speed and i felt we were running well ahead of time. We overtook a flat bed rake hauled by LGD WAG-9 31153. We reached NLR outer at 01:30 hrs and we halted for some 10 mins and pulled into NLR at 01:41 hrs bang on time. I decided to sleep closing the window for a while. After NLR we weren't doing the best of us. Though we did good speeds we halted a couple of times and reached OGL at 03:20 hrs, 10 mins behind schedule. I dozed off completely then. My Dad woke me up at 05:25 hrs since i requested him to do so. And to my astonishment we were only at TEL. What would be the reason for such a delay?! Gosh! I decided to door-plate and it was full of fog and mist. The LP decided to show up his talent now by accelerating had once again. We were doin 80 Kmph and we crossed Krishna Canal Jn in the same speed. The Wammie slowed down to around 50 Kmph as it entered the Krishna Bridge. We then crossed the BZA trip shed where i spotted the following locos...

AJNI WAG-7 27408
LGD WAP-4 22717
BZA WAG-5 23826
BZA WAG-5 23636
BZA WAG-5 24438
BZA WAM-4 21237
BZA WAM-4 21149
BZA WAM-4 21243

We pulled into BZA at 05:58 hrs in PF7 and in the adjacent PF6, 2713 BZA-SC Satavahana Superfast Express was to leave with an LGD WAP-4 22589. 2711 BZA-MAS Pinakini Superfast Express was on PF1 and 2718 BZA-VSKP Ratnachal Superfast Express was on PF2. But our train was given the go ahead of the Satavahana and Ratnachal and we moved out slowly at 06:15 hrs. On the north end of BZA, i found GTL WDM-2 17508 and KZJ WDM-2 17351 standing lonely. From then the acceleration wasn't that good. We did not cross more than 30 kmph for the next few kms. We were running late by 35 mins now. I had heard that the SCR LPs are real aggressive guys but still the LP was in no mood to accelerate. We never touched 90 kmph till Eluru where we reached at 07:12 hrs, 44 mins late. My expectations on the Wammie came down miserably! This is when the LP started to accelerate realizing the delay and we darted through all the wayside towns and villages. Stations like Pulla, Chebrol and Ungutru were ripped of at 105 kmph. Tadepalligudem was crossed at 07:49 hrs and Nidadavolu Jn at 08:10 hrs and we overtook a Passenger train led by BZA WAM-4 20506. We were once again doing great speeds to make up time. LGD WAG-9 31142 passed us with huge coils in a BOXN rake soon followed by a BZA WDP-1 hauled Passenger at high speed.

We reached Kovvur and had an unscheduled halt where a BSL WAG-5 23885 crossed us with a Flatbed rake with coils. We crossed the Godavari at around 50 kmph and we pulled into RJY at 08:45 hrs for a 5 min halt. I spotted an ED WAG-7 27494 with a BCNA rake just outside RJY. We were now late by solid 1 hour and moved out of RJY at 08:52 hrs. BIA WAG-5 23085 crossed us with a BCNA rake then and at Anaparti we were again made to halt at 09:25 hrs for some track inspection work. We were then given the proceed and from then it was absolute rampage.... We accelerated extremely hard, hard and even more hard. We cruised Samalkot Jn at 40 kmph at 09:49 hrs where we overtook an ASN WAG-5 23599 led BCNA rake which had no Caboose. We were once again doing good speed around 80 kmph where an LGD WAG-9 31152 crossed us with BOXN rake. Annavaram was blasted at 105 kmph and Tuni at 80kmph. The LP did everything possible with the WAM-4 which looked aggression personified! I felt like traveling in a WAP-4 hauled train now. I decided to do door-plating and AJJ WAM-4 20573 crossed us at great speed with the 3351 Dhanbad-Alleppey express at Kasimkota. We crossed Anakapalle and the LP decided to do the rampage to the fullest 110 kmph! Horns blaring all the way, we kicked dust very badly that the entire area looked like it was under a fog. Paper plates, plastic covers being tossed everywhere along with dust and what a sight for a railfan! We never slowed down from 95-110 kmph till Duvvada which we crossed at 11:50 hrs. ED WAG-7 27458 with a BOXN rake moved above us from the harbor lines towards the HWH line. From then we proceeded at 40 kmph to move into VSKP AT 12:05 hrs, just 20 mins late. Overall, it was a good journey showcasing the abilities of the Wammie, which though found it difficult to accelerate, did well after once reaching a good speed!